What we talk about when we talk about intimacy

This essay develops a theory of interpersonal intimacy. It argues that intimacy is made up of four interrelated feeling-states: curiosity, vulnerability, empathy, and a recognition of irreducibility-that is, a recognition that one cannot ever fully know the Other, that one cannot ever completely 'become one with the object adored' (Woolf, 1992b, p.69). These four feeling-states operate as a carefully calibrated series of affective checks and balances; curiosity without empathy can become aggression, vulnerability without curiosity can become selfishness, empathy without uninhabitability can become self-congratulation. However, when these affects coexist, they allow for a generous orientation towards the Other, and for the Other's openness in return-in other words, they lay the groundwork for interpersonal proximity.